jump & roll

Hi. Not sure whether anyone actually read this, it has been awhile since I write something and I usually don’t do it here. I guess the youth energy has been slowly sucking out of me sooner than I thought (pfft I’m not even 21 yet and here I am talking like I am a 40years old woman living with 27cats). 

Reminiscence of my past 20years of being Jean. Funny how in a blink of an eye, I am already in my 20s, and yes, looking back, I realised that I’ve grown so much. 10years ago I were still a kid and I have nothing to worry about. Now,I am throw on with so many things to worry about, to think about. 

I can’t wait to finish my degree in few weeks time. Its not that I don’t like it, its just that I am ready to move on to another stage of life. 

And yes, I strongly believe that sometimes life decisions push you to grow up. In recent 2years, I was force to grow up in situations that cannot be imagine by anyone, I was force to grow in ways that usual people doesn’t go through in their lives.  

And now, I am struggling to face with this decision that I am force to face it at this moment, right now. I should be concentrating on doing my last assignment and studying for finals that is coming in 3weeks time. But, this is bothering me. During the day, I kept myself as busy as possible to not make my mind wander off and think about it but I can’t control it when the sky turns grey. It’s like the emotions suddenly kicks in and screw me up at every corner of the brain and it makes me feel so numb and afraid. Words cannot describe the pain but I can literally feel the pain of the heart, every second of it. 

Is getting harder for me to sleep since that ‘breaking news’, and every time when I try to sleep when I am very mentally worn out, tears roll down naturally and I fall asleep crying. Same routine the next day, up - feeling tired - keep myself busy most of the time - pain comes - cry - sleep. 

Note: I find it really hard to express myself now, maybe the lack of posting after so long and the only time I spent pouring myself out to the keyboard is for academic papers. Or maybe I am so used to keeping my life from the internet and the only place where I am comfortable or easier to express myself is when I am physically talking to people. Or maybe just that I am too old for socializing through the internet. And now I don’t know what to continue next. Its like my brain cannot connect with my fingers. So much in me trying to let it all out but trouble actually typing it down. 

#nowlistening David Cook - Always be my baby.

Going back to the start where it all begins. To walk the journey again within my memories, to cherish the moments and find myself again. As me alone and as the person I was and am with you. Long and hard journey ahead, it won’t be easy, but I am glad I am doing it with you. As afraid as I am about the new changes, I know I have you, always. No matter how far you physically will be, I know I have you in my heart. Home is whenever I’m with you.